Mater Impensiore Amore
by 98RockAngel
Summary: Based on a prompt: the first time Kate notices her bump she finds one on her breast as well. *warning: character death*


_This is the product of midnight musings and insomniatic nights. Special thanks to KBRC10 for reading this through._

 _Based on a prompt: the first time she notices her bump she finds one on her breast as well._

She stands in front of the mahogany floor length mirror with nothing but her pants and undergarments on. She stares at all the shirts she has hanging neatly in her closet in rows like soldiers awaiting their command, contemplating which blouse she should dawn on. Even though she is well beyond her teenage years, picking an outfit did require a staring match with her clothes and occasionally changing a few times before finally deciding what to wear. She feels his arms come around her waist, encompassing her in a warm embrace.

"I love what you're wearing right now. " he says huskily with sleep laced in his tone.

She tries to stifle her smile but he sees the corners of her lips turn upwards, before she gently shoves him away. "Seriously castle. I need to find a shirt. Stop distracting me"

"What you need is to let me take you to " he stops suddenly noticing her rounding stomach in the place of her once flat abdomen for the first time. "Kate look, you have a bump" he says while placing his hands on her stomach.

She looks down and splays her palms over his. "So we really made a baby huh?" she says in awe.

It's been a few weeks since she found out and while she knows that there's a baby growing within her, she is also a detective. She needs facts and evidence before she believes what is being told to her at face value and although she has heard her doctor confirm that she was indeed pregnant, seeing the evidence solidified the fact that she and Castle had in fact created a human.

He spins her around, all the while hugging his wife. They've wanted this for so long now. He knew that Kate was hesitant about bringing a child into the world after all the things she's witnessed and he knew that she was afraid of being a mother especially since her own had left her prematurely. But seeing Kate with Alexis, Sarah Grace and other babies, he knew that Kate Beckett would take to motherhood like a fish in water. In fact, he knew that it looked good on her and that his wife would make a brilliant mother.

"Ouch! Castle, stop." she lets out an involuntary gasp of pain as she shoves him away from her.

"Kate! Sorry. Did I hurt you?" he knew that she was tender but he did not hug her too tight did he?

"It's just my boobs are aching," she says while bringing her hand to touch a particularly sore spot. She knew that her breasts were changing to accommodate her pregnancy and that they were growing and were suppose to be tender but, something felt off. She suddenly felt suffocated and unclasped her bra in attempts to take in more oxygen to fill her lungs. Her eyes were instantly drawn to the spot on the side of her nipple. The skin there was no longer arabesque but was marred red and swollen. It looked as if someone had fisted her in her sleep. She traced her fingers gently over the spot, taking extra precaution as to not apply too much pressure. Her fingers felt something hard and firm, almost like a marble trapped underneath the skin. She's been trained to look for the signs since she turned twenty what with close to a quarter of her mother's side suffering from the disease, she knows what to look for and what conclusion to draw based on what she found. She was a detective for crying out loud and she followed the evidence wherever it lead but this time, her mind must be playing tricks on her. This time, she refused to accept the evidence and what story it told.

Yeah, she was probably over thinking it and being paranoid after what she just heard of her second cousins diagnosis last month. She drew her eyes away from the scene and looked in the mirror where her eyes made contact with a pair of blue ones that showed concern. His brows were knotted together and she knew he was trying to read her, trying to figure out why she was gasping for air like the beginnings of her panic attack. It came out without her meaning to.

"Castle, there's a lump on my breast"

There she goes again, making his world stop with seven words.

" _Yes, I'm ready to have your babies."_

" _Castle, I think I might be pregnant. "_

" _Castle, there's a lump on my breast."_

All sentences seven words long. All knocking the wind out of him and making his world stop.

He draws in a breath, and sees the terror displayed on his wife's features. He knows what is running through her mind and he can feel her body stiffen next to him. He hears her taken in ragged breaths of air and he sees the mist in her eyes. "Kate, Maybe it's not." He can't bring himself to say the word out loud. Neither of them can.

"We don't know. It could just be your body changing with the pregnancy." He tries placating her while simultaneously crafting all sorts of scenarios in his writer's brain. He knows that breast cancer in pregnant woman was usually detected when it had reached a later stage. He knows that if this really was cancer, they might already be too late and he might have just lost His wife.

They make an appointment for that evening. Both needing to know exactly what was going on. Both hoping that they were just being overly suspicious and jumping to conclusions.

" _I'm sorry it is unfortunately, cancer"_

Here we go again. Seven words strung together to form a sentence. Seven words that brought about so many emotions and was going to change his life drastically. After this, he really needed a trigger warning before seven words were ever uttered to him in a sentence because, _clearly_ seven words spoken to him will never be about something trivial.

"You have two choices. Terminate the pregnancy and undergo chemo or keep the baby and try alternative treatments. It might not be as effective and the chances of remission is low with the second option though. Your cancer has already spread to your liver and while we would normally suggest a mastectomy or lumpectomy, this would not remove the cancer as it is already in your bloodstream and seems to be of a very aggressive type."

They disagree with each other so drastically for the first time. They're lucky they have the loft all to themselves and their neighbors must have turned a deaf ear. All the screaming and the force of their words hurled at each other would normally bring about police attention. Why couldn't she see what her choice was doing to him? Why was she being so darned stubborn. He knew that it was her body and she had the final say but for once, for once he wanted to veto her decision.

"Castle, I can't. I can't kill our child. I know it's only been a few weeks but I already love this baby. I can't " she practically sobs out.

"Kate, we can make another baby. I can't lose you Kate. There's only one of you and, I. Cannot. Lose. You." He chokes out, voice cracking at the last syllable.

"Castle... " her voice fails her as she walks away without her usual gait of a policewoman but a walk of a woman who has given up and resigned herself.

It's the first night in months that they sleep in separate beds and he hates every second of it especially due to the circumstances. He supposes he should start getting used to it because he is aware that if she decides to keep this baby, it'll kill her. It's stupid really. She's managed to survive a bullet to the chest, bombs, being locked in a freezer and even a freaking tiger. Her job is dangerous and he knows that she can't promise that she'll make it home but so far, so far she has avoided getting killed despite the many, many times she should be dead and then, and then she gets cancer. Freaking cancer. He laughs at that. If you don't laugh then you cry right?

He misses the weight of her on his chest.

She misses the warmth and security that radiates off his body.

He knows she'll want to keep this baby.

She knows he'll want her to fight for her life.

He loves her but he can't watch her die.

She loves him but she can't kill her baby.

He holds her hand for the last time throughout the whole thing. He has spent the last few months vehemently disagreeing with her but she is adamant that this is what she wants to do. He was right when he said that she was going to be a great mother, because only a mother that really cared would put her body through this. Only a mother who loved her child this much would give up her life for the life of a child she would most likely never meet.

Pregnancy was hard on a woman as it was, but Kate was unable to catch a break. Due to all the chemicals being injected into her body she was constantly feeling sick and towards the end of her pregnancy she was hospitalised with a permanent drip inserted into her right arm. Gone was the sheen in her hair and the teasing from her lips. She was eight and half months pregnant but her cheeks were sunken and her eyes had dark half moons under them. Never once did he hear her utter a complaint.

Oct 19, saw a dark sky with permanent ominous black clouds looming above the city. Flashes of lightning was seen and the roar of the thunder was heard masking the screams that Kate involuntarily let out. Castle's heart broke at the sight of his wife, writhing in pain in her hospital bed but there was little he could do.

7:47 was when Castle first held his baby in his arms and the monitors flatlined once again signifying the end. It was like the sky finally let out everything it had held back and broke the dam forcing the rain to fall down loud and hard almost as if it was protesting and grieving in agony for the detective, mother and wife the city just lost.

It's the evening of the 20th and exhaustion pours out of him as he lies his daughter in her crib and ironically just hours ago he laid his wife to rest as well.

 _So, what did you think?_


End file.
